Worthwhile
by CarminaBurana1
Summary: Lucuis reflects on the life of the man who meant so much to him. Slash, not graphic, oneshot. Adult themes.


**Worthwhile**

**WARNING: **Contains spoilers for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

**Rating**: K+

**Disclaimer**: Not my characters. Obviously.

**Summary**: Lucius reflects on the man who meant so much to him. Oneshot

**A/N**: If you are morally opposed to slash, please feel free not to read this.

Reflecting upon it now, I am sure that the Dark Lord knew even in the early days. It must have amused him to watch our futile attempts to keep our secret. My wife, of course, never knew. I was as cold to her as I had always been, and she was, in return, the bitch she had always been. There was no love in our family. I must confess that I never cared for my son as much as was expected of me- how could I love that snot-nosed brat, whingeing about something or other at any given opportunity. 'Father, why can't I be on the Quidditch team…Father buy the team new brooms…Father, the Mudblood is smarter than me…'

Always asking, demanding, complaining. And when he was near to gaining my acceptance, he failed at the last hurdle. The young fool could not kill the old fool and so I scoffed and let the Dark Lord punish him, as was his due.

And in the meanwhile, I loved. I had met this man a long time ago, and once I returned from Azkaban, I met him again.

'Dumbledore is dead,' he told me. I smiled- the Dark Lord would be pleased.

'My son succeeded in his task, then?'

He shook his head. 'No, Lucius, it was I.' Rage infested my every corpuscle, but I was, to outward appearance, calm and collected.

'How is this possible? Draco was told…'

'Your wife approached me, and we made an Unbreakable Vow. I believe it was her sister who was our Bonder. I swore to take over if Draco was not able to finish his assigned task. I killed the man who trusted me most- the Dark Lord aside, of course.'

'Of course,' I echoed dully. I would speak to Narcissa about this. 'Pray excuse me, Severus. I have a home to return to.'

'Your servant, Lucius', he said, turning to go.

'Severus?' I said. He turned, and I pulled him into my arms, kissing him with a furious intensity that he returned in kind.

Even now I could not say why I kissed the man. Perhaps it struck me as a method of revenge upon Narcissa. Perhaps it was an escape from the cold life that I hated so much. Severus was my warmth, and we kept each other alive.

In my chamber we made love, two sinuous figures entwined upon black satin sheets. A dark sensuality crept into my life. Occasionally, I found myself smiling. I dreamt poetically of gardens filled with red-black roses that spread heady perfume and flowered in the sunlight. Dark green leaves and thick grass and marble walls enclosed me in a way that was comforting.

We told no one that we were lovers. They would have been shocked, and no doubt prejudiced. I admit I was wary of Severus at first, when I learned that he was a mere half-blood, but after a while I stopped caring. He was mine, and it did not matter if he was not a pureblood. I loved him no less for that.

I pity the Muggles who have nothing we wizards have. Severus made potent aphrodisiacs and Awareness potions for us to share, and I knew a few spells that I could work on Severus when we were alone together.

It was such a well kept secret, naturally, but the Dark Lord found out, naturally by using his powers of Occlumency. I always thought it was a waste of his time, for him to punish us, particularly when, as Severus told me, Harry Potter was getting close to a final battle with him, but the Dark Lord punished us all the same.

He is a cruel master, that one. For his own amusement, I have no doubt, he stood the two of us in a room and forced us, with aid of the Imperius Curse, to cast _Crucio_ upon one another. When Severus and I finally lay on the floor, screaming with the pain we had caused each other, the Dark Lord released us. His sardonic smile was the only indication of the pleasure he derived from our pain.

We left that chamber together and exchanged looks. We never spoke to one another again.

The garden of my dreams was no longer lovely. It enclosed and devoured me while the roses wilted and died and large dark animals attacked my battered body.

I stood with Severus one last time. We did not speak, or look at each other. Harry Potter was duelling our Lord, and we were supposed to be holding off the rabble- Order of the Phoenix or whatever stupidly heroic name they had given themselves.

I believe it was Hermione Granger who killed him, killed my love. Yes, no doubt it was the Mudblood, but it was hard to tell- he was hit almost simultaneously by thirteen different curses. Thirteen- unlucky for some. He had not made himself popular, in killing the old man.

And yet it was somehow worthwhile, because when he died, he died in my arms, smiling at me for the very last time. Yes, that made it all worthwhile- one last sight of that beautiful smile that was meant only for me.


End file.
